The rugged life of a Yooper
If only we could live back in the day.
Here is the beginning of this authors saga. I hope someone can benefit from my lifes experiences good or bad. This is what I call
My Private Stock.March 29, 2004
This is where I reflect upon 44years of existence. Most of which I actually do recall. To many, I have lived a life of wasteland wondering about in the mist of darkness. Yet, to others I have, for the most part fulfilled some faint expectations of what was to be a very bright and promising future.
How ironic it is that our societies personal views of ones achievements is as two sided as a coin. Many of our minds are just as flat. We have yet to pull our ignorance out of the dark ages, just as those who thought the world was flat so long ago. Todays majorities have accomplished an existence to the similar mundane complacency of life. Our robotic livelihoods and worshipped escapades have undoubtedly kept our minds at ransom.
Dare to dream is for a brave select few. Those who look beyond the stars or past the looking glass are, to most of us, just what they appear to be, pathetic clichés’. All of us take advantage of the mentally skilled dreams of tomorrow, yet few of us stop to consider the mind that created them. The beginning of all mans creations, industrial and informational was spawned from the complex workings of creative and gifted individual minds.
Our fears keep us from understanding real truth. For that matter our fears prevent us from wanting to even know or seek truth. Yet we ponder questions of truth in our head. It’s safe, quiet and very private. Not viewed by anyone but yourself. How secure is that. Our mind is a very safe place to be when all things within are pure of heart.
For many people, the purpose and meaning of life is overflowing with greed and self indulgence. A chasing of tales for most, who are caught up in a world of materialistic desires, power, control and sensually sadistic corruption. They fantasize of grasping the next euphoric occurrence to ease the pain and stress of this modern day existence.
Early on in my life, I followed the same winding path, Searching for the abundance of pleasures that would convince me life was worth living. Most of my experimental escapades always seemed to fall back to the same quest. The search for true love or love and truth. This desire, without a doubt was brought about by the passing of my mother when I was six years old. Her early departure from this earth, left an empty feeling in my heart that I would continually yearn to fill in the years to follow.
There are some things in life that just cannot be replaced or duplicated. The loss of a mothers love definitely falls into the category of irreplaceable.
Such a love is complete, with all the needs and desires of which many search for when ousted from the nest. And, Why not? For those of us who understand what it is that we seek out, know that a mothers love is warm, caring, nurturing, protective, secure, instructional, attentive, compassionate and most of all unconditional.
For a six year old boy to lose all that is very devastating and confusing. It begs the questions inside of you, “What did I do wrong?”, “ I’m sorry, I’ll be good I promise”, “ Please come back, Why won’t you come back?” When asking these questions, I realized there wasn’t a definitive answer. Nothing that would fill a void left open from the loss of a mothers love.
I was a very attentive and disciplined young boy. The youngest of three boys, I had always felt protection and security in my mothers presence. What a warm and safe feeling it was. I always wanted to be good so I could continue to receive this special love.
When I lost my mother, I felt that frightened emptiness and loneliness inside of me. Confused, saddened and devastated, I questioned Why and put terrible guilt upon myself as if I had done something wrong or had something to do with her death.
I always associated being good with receiving something that would assure me I was loved and appreciated. Losing my mother certainly put that trusted theory in doubt. My future endeavors were always prefaced with these thoughts, Was the behavior and effort worth the end result, or would it have the same painful and tragic effects as when my mother passed away.
This was quite a lot for a little boy to contemplate. To have a young mind create this type of mature and guilt imbedded thought process set the table for a pattern of internal pain and misery as years passed.
My Father remarried when I was 7 yrs. Old. She was a wonderful woman who had raised 2 children of her own prior entering our family. As I look back, I would have to describe her entrance into our lives as a lamb stumbling into a lions den.
We were an emotional full blooded Italian family. Most of our emotions were displayed in a very loud voiced fashion. She was a wise and strong headed woman, with a much calmer disposition. I’m sure the contrast in personalities was a very trying experience for her.
Three boys ages 13, 10 and 7. All with their own personal hang-ups from the loss of their mother. Being the youngest, I was looked upon as though I would have the least understanding as to what was going on. That seemed to be the intent of all those that were assisting my father in taking care of us during my mothers illness and following her death. For some reason, My fathers sisters and cousin felt it best to keep me away from my mother during all of this, when I wanted to be with her the most. Why that was done, I will never understand. Apparently, I was supposed to be the most resilient to the entire situation. As I stated earlier, I internalized some deep thoughts and emotions so no one ever really knew what was developing in my head. As much as I wanted it to come out, I couldn’t find a way to release the pain.
My childhood from that point on was as normal as it could get for any dysfunctional family. My stepmother was able to provide much of what a mother could, although she wasn’t a real emotional hugging individual, she showed her love in many ways. I was the least resistant to her efforts of love and was very receptive to her kindness. It was obvious as I look back, that she cared very much for my father and us three boys. I certainly was looking for some sense of warmth and security within our home and she definitely was able to provide all of that. Some things in life are irreplaceable but she was as close to the real thing as one could ever find. A warm home, fantastic food, great artistic talents sewing, quilting, knitting, etc. and family activities and gatherings. What more could one ask for in a loving stepmother.
As the youngest brother, I put up with a lot of shit. I developed great defensive skills just by the beatings I got from my dickhead brothers. I got along the best with my oldest brother Rudy. We were both interested in sports, hunting, fishing. Of course I had to be his slave to anything we ever did together or his lazy ass stayed home.
I liked to hang with my brother Bob, because he taught me a lot of other skills. He was more interested in cars, bikes and motors and was willing to work hard to get what he wanted. We shared a paper route that gave us spending money each week. He sure knew how to save money. He also knew how to be abusive to me, both physically and mentally. I took a lot just to hang out with the older guys.
I had friends of my own, we all grew up in a Italian neighborhood that was on a dead end street. Each family had kids all of our ages so we all had plenty of friends. It was difficult at times because a lot of the neighbors were related. So small spats became one sided affairs. Another reason I had to develop defensive skills. Sometimes the mental stress of those things would really get to me.
I was a nervous boy, I worried a lot about anything. An unfortunate hereditary side effect of being an Italian Stallion. However, I was blessed with an uncanny ability to mask my nervous attributes with an out going personality. A key tool to keep others from ever knowing how I really felt inside.
When I was about 8 yrs old, I was diagnosed with severe allergies and asthma. Treatment was quite intense, due to the nature of the illness. Often times, I remember the frightful feeling of wondering where my next breath of air would come from when an asthma attack would take place. I was placed on 9 pills a day and 2 shots per week. This treatment lasted well into my late teenage years, when I began to outgrow many of the allergies. The asthma was beginning to subside in part to my exercising of my lungs by playing the trumpet and working out hard for football. Unfortunately the treatment was well over 8 years, which I believe created a chemical dependency that I would exploit throughout my entire youth.
Socializing with other kids wasn’t very difficult for me. I could associate with all types of kids in school. Jocks, nerds, burnouts and music/drama geeks. I never wanted anyone to think unfavorably about me. It caused too much worry and stress.
Even after a school yard fight, which I usually won, I made sure there were no hard feelings.
It seemed as if most kids in all categories were search and experimenting with those euphoric moments as they stumbled through life. It is a period in ones life of transition and exploration.
I definitely found the search much more intriguing and desirable as compared to my brothers. Most likely my internalized feelings and thoughts fueled my need to escape.
Tobacco, alcohol, drugs and rock and roll, were the tools of choice when making a quest for a new viewpoint on why are we here upon this earth, and what purpose was there to our future. This made for some interesting concepts and theories on the purpose of Life.
I found out early on in Jr. High that I desired mor that the tools at hand while searching for truth and love. I desperately needed the companionship of females. Not just for the hormonal aspect that all boys desire, but to have someone that cared for me and could communicate and dream of a beautiful future. This need continued to grow as time went on. I would dream of marrying a wonderful gal that would share my beliefs, desires and quests for truth and love. This became a prerequisite to my approach for success in Life.
By age 16, I was definitely dependant on some form of chemical use. After 8 years of daily medications and at least 5 years of alcohol use, I constantly desired the intake of something to cope with my weaknesses and internalized thoughts. I had three phases to my euphoria, The fun phase, the violent (tough guy) phase and the depression phase. Girls helped me control all 3 phases due to their nurturing and caring characteristics. Thus I needed female companionship in both euphoric and sober times. Definate need for someone to love and care for me, because so much of this I was deprived of as a young boy. The need for truth and love in life continued to grow at a very rapid pace during this time. Increased use of chemicals made pains of reality go away at least for a little while.
By the age of 17, I experienced a closeness and warmth from a girl that I had not yet encountered before then. A new type of high, different than anything I experienced before. Unfortunately it was a double edged sword. For all the joy, love nurturing and peace that I felt, I experienced jealousy, anger, saddness, worry and overall stress. This was an exhilarating yet exhausting ordeal. It was my first experienced with love.
In any relationship, couples will experience ups and downs. An entire assortment of emotions surface from time to time. The ability to control these emotions and keep everything in perspective equated the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one.
Not knowing how to handle this new found experience, I eventually failed the relationship miserably. She broke it off after a year and a half. I was left devastated, empty, guilty and very depressed. This definitely rekindled all the pain and sorrow that I experienced when my mother died. I tormented myself in my mind as to what went wrong, what can I do to fix it, and built all sorts of false hopes. I imagined reconciling with her sot the pain would go away. All I wanted was a second chance. Unfortunately as with the death of my mother, there is no second chance. I fooled myself in thinking there was a chance, but we were too young for that level of commitment. I would rather bury the truth than face the pain. Again, my ability to internalize everything came in handy to hold my head up and not look so wounded to others.
After 18 months of intoxication, fighting and battles with depression, I pulled out of college. I let my inability to cope with the truth of this pain control my every thought. It cost me a college degree. I went to counseling for months and in time was able to function fully and refocus on my future. I was able to let go of the relationship, but I never let go of my desire for truth and love. So, as I focused on my future, I maintained the dream of the perfect woman for me. On that would coincide with my desire to have a successful future.
By the time I was 20, I had pretty much instituted my internalized, obsessive self destructive thought process. I met a girl that was 16 years old. We dated for 2 years. I was cautious after the last failed relationship. It was a safe and secure affair with much trust. She being so young became dependant on my love for her. We had similar goals in life. House, Home and Family. We put religion in our lives, which cemented our relationship. We married 6 months after she graduated high school.
I was working as a wastewater operator in town. Within 2 years, I was promoted to Plant superintendent. A great deal of responsibility for someone 24 yrs. Old. My wife Kellie, gave birth to 2 boys, Eric and Adam. Without a doubt the 2 greatest events of my life to that point. 2 of the finest young men, anyone will ever meet. They have a special spirit about them, that is soothing and enjoyable when you meet them.
We stayed very active in the church, which made our relationship work. Both of us worked and were able to keep our problems in check to maintain a healthy, loving home for our boys.
While in this relationship/marriage, I always prided myself on 3 things.
1-I was a very dedicated and loving husband.
2-I was a very dedicated and loving father.
3- We stayed active in the Church
As time went on we both became caught up with the boys lives and our jobs. After 8 years of marriage, time for her and I was becoming scarce. We supplemented time for each other with material things. Love and intimacy was slipping away. We stayed together for the boys. I can honestly say that I could have walked away from the marriage and not feel the pain I would associate with a missing love. I think knowing I still had 2 boys to love and guide, helped me face the reality of the failing marriage.
My health was becoming a factor. I had 2 back surgeries, hernia knee surgeries, and colitis problems. I had been suffering with the back pain since I was in high school. I had my first operation on my back right after high school. The next one was 8 years later. I was beginning to wear down my resistance to pain. I began to rely on prescription pain meds for mental and physical pain relief. Not a steady habit, but enough to take the edge off every now and than.
The job I had was becoming more and more stressful. Great responsibility at a young age started to catch up with me.
The year I built our new house, I began to have some serious difficulties on the job. I would prefer not to discuss the matter at all. I must say that this was a key element in the direction my life was about to head.
A brief summary of the problems I had at work, included drug addict employees, drug dealing and manufacturing, death threats, police, detectives, DEA surveillance and hours and hours of intense interviews and exhausting interrogation with law enforcement and political government bodies. After being subjected to this stressful situation for over 18 months, I finally snapped and had a nervous breakdown.
The whole ordeal took its toll on my mental health and my marriage. I was admitted to a mental hospital in Green Bay, Wi for a 6 week stay. I came out with no job, totally screwed up on medications and a marriage that was headed for divorce. My thought process was bizarre , my awareness impaired and my love for my wife was gone. She put me in the hospital and then left. I blamed her for my problems, which was very unfair. She made 2 visits in the entire 6 weeks and phone conversations that were going no where until she suggested a divorce would be a solution.
Shortly after coming home from the hospital, Kellie was unable to deal with my problems. She knew the love was gone so she packed me up and sent me out.
I was confused, lonely, fighting my illness and the side affects associated with the meds I was taking. Eventually I ended up in the arms of another women to ease the pain but increase the confusion. I met a women while in the hospital and it didn’t take long to get hold of her when I was sent packing. This was a grave mistake that hurt many people.
Kellie filed for divorce 3 weeks following my hospitalization. She was ruthless and very vindictive. She never spoke one pleasant word to me throughout the entire divorce process and had the court order supervised visitation with my boys. I spent so much time taking care of them since they were abies and all of a sudden I was deprived of the joy of being alone with then to do quality father and son activities.
I took out my pension so I could have money to survive with. A new relationship, thousands of dollars and heavily medicated was a recipe for serious self destruction.
I was single and had money to piss away, so I took up gambling at casinos for entertainment and therapy. The new relationship I was in was moving way too fast. She was from Green Bay so visits were limited yet eventful. My condition had me in a very dependant state of mind.
Within four months, the relationship was way ahead of any normal healthy minded individual. We bought a house that I was to move in. Eventually she was to move her 4 kids up to Iron Mountain after her divorce was final. The day after we purchased the house and furniture, I started having seconds thoughts. I had invested eight thousand dollars on the deal and I woke up asking myself, what the hell am I doing. I couldn’t go through with the plans we made. Something came over me that made me realize that I jumped into this relationship way too soon. A definite disaster ready to happen. I told her how I felt and that was it. We broke it off and sold the house. I lost 2 thousand dollars, but I know it was the smart thing to do. She was devastated, bet we remained friends and did visit each other from time to time after the whole ordeal.
I continued to battle the illness that afflicted me, and eventually was claimed disabled. I also won a settlement from work and was free to do what I pleased. My divorce was final in Sept. of 1994. A free man with a very controlling family trying to keep me from gambling and drinking all my money away. I moved back into my house that I built sending my kids and their mother into other living arrangements. I wanted the house for them and felt since I built the place I should be left with it for their future.
I had to be hospitalized a couple times within that first year to adjust my medications. The whole thing was a crap shoot trying to stabilize my condition. I seen it in other patients as well. It is not an exact science due to varying brain chemistry.
By this time in my life it was obvious that anything worthwhile was always at risk of going away. Again, the questions would arise as to why is this happening to me?. It seemed as though living a righteous life had no effect on whether I would be able to sustain any happiness, joy, love and security. Each losing experience in my life resulted in greater internalization which lead to deeper depression, anxiety and reckless behavior. From the time my mother died to the present time the losses and turmoil to my heart and mind were taking its toll. I vowed never to become attached to anything or anyone. My boys were all I needed because their love was and remains unconditional. I was at the end of my rope with heartache and pain. One more bad experience would put me over the edge.
I roamed life a very lonely man. I fell away from the church and ran with the devil. Gambling, drinking and women were my only activities outside of my parental responsibilities. Not spiritually healthy or mentally supportive of what I was trying to get a grip on. Maybe a natural progression of self pity or a self conscience wanting to self destruct. Either way it was a bad time for any mental state of mind. I was unable to find any peace of mind. My family constantly interfering with my life which caused me to rebel more and more. My only joy and salvation was spending time with my boys.
